Years ago I desperately needed a one-way ride to a boat show that was roughly three hours away and my co-worker at the time just happened to be heading in that direction with his family. After getting past the usual pleasantries such as, “Are you sure it won’t be too much trouble?” and, “As long as you have room and your wife is okay with it,” I thankfully accepted.
When you’re catching a free ride you lose your power to speak up so I sat quietly in the back of the minivan while his kids roamed freely; seatbelts appeared to be as foreign to this family as a vacuum. The noise and filth didn’t bother me as Cherrios and Legos come standard when you buy a minivan, but the kiddos not wearing seatbelts is both illegal and not very smart. But just when I thought this van ride couldn’t get any longer, my co-worker decided to pull over and get dinner on the go.
At this point I’m just praying for something quick and not messy, but the next thing I know we’re swinging through the drive thru for buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken. No disrespect to Colonel Sanders, but is greasy fried chicken really the best thing to serve in a minivan full of kids not wearing seatbelts?
I have a hard-earned reputation at work for keeping a clean and organized office so maybe this was payback for my co-worker who had to know that chicken was going to find the windows, seats, ceiling and just about every place other than the mouths of his kids. After he dropped me off I didn’t feel like washing my clothes; I felt like burning them.
So what does this have to do with boating? With warmer temperatures finally on the horizon it’s time to start thinking about on board picnics. Instead of focusing on traditional boat foods such as grapes or other bite-sized snacks, I thought it might be more entertaining to highlight what not to take on your boat this summer.
Let’s start with the obvious. I know fried chicken is great for picnics in the park, but unless it’s a group of responsible adults my vote it to keep your “finger-lickin’ good” greasy hands off my vinyl seats. If your friend shows up with spaghetti noodles as an afternoon snack tell him in your best Italian accent to, “Fuhgeddaboudit.” As in, leave it in your car and forget you ever thought about coming on my boat.
Orange Cheetos are extremely addicting. How else can you explain why these puffs are so popular? Yes, they put smiles on the faces of children, but those orange handprints are sure to find their way to my stereo controls so I have no choice but to toss all orange-fingered kids overboard … with their Cheetos.
Ah, powdered doughnuts. One of two things will happen if you eat them on my boat: You’ll either emerge with doughnut dust on your face or you’ll emerge with doughnut dust on your face. Basically, it’s a lose-lose for everyone involved.
While most sandwiches are good to eat on board, meatball subs are not. Melted cheese and marinara sauce? Yeah, good luck. Not to mention meatballs are a pretty awkward thing to be sandwiched. Where do you bite? Mid or post ball? You’ll just end up with a chunk too big in your mouth as you watch your soggy melting sub slowly deconstruct in front of you.
Finally, I’m going to pick on watermelon. I know, I know: I’m horrible for insisting those with watermelon head to the sandbar, but it’s basically all water. So yes, watermelon juice will start to run down your face, fingers, arms, stomach and legs all the way until it reaches my floor.
Does this list of banned foods make me a boating Scrooge? Maybe, but I bet my boat is cleaner than yours.
